Lynn Moore's blog

Giants lose 44-7 to the Vikings

MINNEAPOLIS - With nothing left to play for but pride, the NY Giants lost 44-7 to the playoff-bound Minnesota Vikings Sun.. 'We showed we've got a lot of heart,' related head coach Tom Coughlin,'a lot of heart for golf, beaches and broads.' Coughlin continued,'we really gutted this loss out. We spent all week preparing our yachts, polishing up our beach homes, getting a nice tan base at the tanning shop. We are going to be the best at off-season maxing and relaxing.' Plaxico Burress, who was watching from jail like what he saw. 'Shit yeah, those men have raving on their mind,' asserted Burress. TAUNTR.com

Mangini named coach of the year for getting 5 wins out of Browns

CLEVELAND - For the first time in NFL history, a coach of a team with a losing record of 5-11 has won the Coach of the Year award. Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini was given the honor after closing out the season on a four-game win streak. 'It's extraordinary what Eric's been able to do with what should ideally be a zero-win team,' related owner Randy Lerner. 'The team is completely lacking in talent except for Josh Cribbs. I mean Brady Quinn? Jamal Lewis? Jesus, this worse than that movie major league, but for football.' Mangini was not available for comment, but fined a player $5,000 for not clapping when the team was told of the respect. TAUNTR.com

Broncos lose to Chiefs Orton thows 3 INTs

DENVER - With their playoff hopes on life support the Denver Broncos, needing to beat the Kansas city Chiefs sunday, got thumped 44-24 and ejected from playoff contention I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly.. Quarterback Kyle Orton did his best Jay Cutler impression throwing 3 interceptions in the loss. After the game, first-year boss coach Josh McDaniels was really disturbed by his team's performance. When asked about Orton's interceptions, McDaniels declared,'In '87, Huey released Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterwork is 'Hip to be Square,' a song so catchy, the majority potentially don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the thrills of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also an individual statement about the band itself.' He then began to quote other lines of Patrick Bateman, the personality from the film Yank Psycho. 'Did you know that Ted Bundy's first dog was a collie named Lassie,' announced McDaniels, and'I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly.' when questioned about his plan for the team for the approaching season he excused himself from the lectern mumbling,'I have to return some videotapes.'. TAUNTR.com

Coaches efforts expand BDSM audience for NCAA

INDIANAPOLIS - The numbers are in. And they're huge. The NCAA grew its audience by over 30 percent in the hard-to-reach BDSM category. Marketers have been struggling for years to reach the Bondage, Dominance, Sadism and Masochism market, but the NCAA worked it out this year with all the various reports of coaches abusing their players. 'We couldn't think the numbers,' asserted NCAA chief marketing officer Jonathan Galvin after popping some champagne. 'We owe a whole world of thanks to men like Mark Mangino and Jim Leavitt. But the guy who truly put us ott was Mike Leach at Texas Tech. That guy is a genius. He locked his player, a kid with a concussion, in a dark room and would not let him come out. And then, rather than apologizing to the player, he called him a 'slacker.' Our BSDM numbers went through the roof at that moment. Thank you, coach Leach.'. TAUNTR.com

Colts second string off rest of the season

INDIANAPOLIS - Indianapolis Colts first-year head coach Jim Caldwell announced that he's going to rest his backups for the remaining two games of the 2009 regular season. 'We want to keep guys like Curtis Painter, Jacob Tamme and that tight endnumber 86whats-his-namefresh for the playoffs,' declared Caldwell. The Colts have clinched homefield advantage throughout the playoffs and are at present undefeated. 'Guys like Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne need to stay sharp,' Caldwell explained. 'You give those blokes a week off and it's back to square one.' The backups were relieved to hear they could take it nice and easy against the following few games against the Big Apple Jets and Buffalo Bills. 'You don't want to get a freak injury against these powder-puff groups in games that have zero meaning. Something like that would keep you from standing on the sideline across the playoffs,' asserted backup punt returner Jerraud Powers. 'I might have to sit on the bench and miss the action, or just wait for it to be shown on the enormous screen.'. TAUNTR.com

Childress hasn't been wearing Real. Comfortable. Jeans.

MINNEAPOLIS - a remarkable turn of events in Minnesota, where it was revealed recently that Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre had a beef with coach Brad Childress because the coach has refused to wear Real. Snug. Jeans. Favre had a heated discussion after a game with Childress and gave him all the reasons Favre himself is comfortable in these jeans.

Favre's outline for selecting Jeans are like this :

1 ) Jeans that are tough.
2 ) Jeans that fit great.
3 ) Jeans that are Wrangler.

But Childress didn't desire to listen to it. He's's OK with his pleated khakis. It might not be five-star quality but no other pants make him look like more of a chi-mo than pleated khakis. TAUNTR.com

Carrie Underwood engaged to finish unknown

OTTAWA - Who does this guy think he is? I mean, c'mon... Like yea right... This is Carrie Underwood we're talking about here. This is retarded. This is a classic Sam Bowie mistake. Maybe a JaMarcus Russell. I mean she is just... So wooo! Has anybody heard of this guy? He plays what sport? Hockey? His last name is not Gretzky nor Messier nor Crosby nor Ovechkin. Ovechkin, that guy's's good. Maybe he should call her. Maybe she didn't review her prospects properly. He plays for who? The Ottawa Senators? Yea, that's's an awesome team. Was there nobody good on the Saskatoon House of Representatives? I mean major. But seriously. This is a friggin' robbery. TAUNTR.com

Shanahan next coach of Redskins a lot of work ahead

WASHINGTON - previous Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahanobserved the Washington Redskins play an exciting game on Monday and saw that extraordinary play just before the end of the first half. The one where it seemed as if they hadn't got any idea what they were doing when they were trying to confuse the defense but they ended up confusing the defense and themselves. Well, anyways, Shananhan was impressed. So impressed in fact that he'd prepared to revisit training. And he's's eying the 'Skins. 'I truly think they have got spunk,' said Shanahan. 'I doubt Zorn will ever wish to step down. That fellow has got it good there. He will run whatever plays he wants and get the job finished. But if something were to happen, give me a call, Snyder. I should take you out, treat you real nice.'. TAUNTR.com

Colts represent France

INDIANAPOLIS - After every correspondent who ever lived has announced the New Orleans Saints America's team, France has decided to declare the still unbeaten Indianapolis Colts as their team. 'It seems as thowa ze stupid amerikins did not need zem. Zay were ready for zee picking. We used to 'av New Orleans but we lost zem. It is ok. We prefer Indy. And, monsieur Manning is a brilliant act-tor! Ze best since Jerry Lewis!' said Frenchman Gerard Depardieu. Patriotic Americans couldn't care less about the French selecting Indianapolis. 'New Orleans is an American city. There's tragedy, history we nicked fair and square from other nationalities that have settled there and cheap, plastic beaded necklaces for ta-tas. Indianapolis is un-American. We don't need that team, I'm planning on boycotting that town. And if you are not with us, you're against us. We don't need no French media over here manipulating our thoughts,' declared American Bubba Hickcock as he spoke candidly over a basket of Freedom Fries. TAUNTR.com

No were to go but up for the Redskins

WASHINGTON - The Washington Redskins lost to the New York Giants on Monday Night Football but did manage to work in an absolute classic play just before the 1st half finished. The ol' Cluster Fucker. A play we have not seen since North Derby High lost the county championship in '86. They even called a timeout to rattle the Giants' D off their game. The 'Skins then lined up, pushed everybody to the left side, save for the kicker, long snapper and another dude. The Giants then sent some players to the left and got prepared for what they believed would be an onside kick from the Giants' 28-yard line. But to the Giants' surprise, the kicker went for a throw down the left side after taking the snap and rolling right. An absolute classic play. ESPN writer Jon Gruden couldn't believe it. 'That's a soccer player right there!' he exclaimed. 'And there! And there!' Then the play went all cluster fuck-y ( as the name implies ) and a confused Giants player caught the ball to end the half. But what a method to respect North Derby high school football! Coach Zorn, you've done it again. TAUNTR.com